Toxic Relationship – Why we go back for more…
Why Do We Keep Going Back to What Hurts Us? (My Bad Restaurant Analogy)
Imagine there’s a restaurant that you absolutely love. The lighting is warm, the music is just right, and the decor makes you feel comfortable—like you belong. Every time you walk in, you feel that rush of excitement, that sense of familiarity. But here’s the problem: the food always makes you sick. Maybe not right away, but hours later, you’re curled up in pain, regretting every bite.
Lo and behold, two days later you are back for more! Seriously? Yes.
You tell yourself, “This time it’ll be different. Maybe they changed the chef. Maybe I just ordered the wrong thing last time. This time it will be better.” You keep giving it another chance because the good parts make it hard to believe the bad is really that bad. You make excuses for the poor quality by stating that you kinda had a good time. Yet, you are feeling queasy, nauseous, irritable and uncomfortable. Plain and simple, you feel sick, poisoned and yet longing for more because you are so desperate not to eat at home alone. Your loneliness is what drives you back time and again.
This is exactly how trauma bonds work.
The Science: Why Toxic Love Feels Addictive
Let’s dive a bit deeper into the science behind why you go back to toxic love relationships. Your brain is wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. But when love is mixed with moments of extreme highs (affection, attention, compliments and “good times”) and extreme lows (manipulation, cruelty, abandonment, neglect, abuse), it confuses your nervous system. You start chasing the good moments, believing they make up for the bad ones.
It’s like playing a slot machine—sometimes you win, sometimes you don’t, but the possibility of winning again keeps you hooked. That’s because of intermittent reinforcement—a psychological trick toxic people use (without even realising it). Now you can also see why gambling and other addictions can be so dangerous and damaging. You are wiring yourself to go back to the pain, in the hope you will feel pleasure again.
To break the hormones down:
- Dopamine (The Highs): When they shower you with love, your brain releases dopamine (the feel-good chemical). It feels intoxicating and addictive.
- Cortisol (The Lows): When they pull away, criticise you, or disappear, your body floods with stress hormones. You feel anxious, desperate, craving the next “high.” Kickstarting anxiety and OCD behaviour.
- Oxytocin (The Bonding Chemical): Even after they hurt you, your brain clings to the moments of closeness. Oxytocin is the same chemical that bonds mothers to babies—it’s powerful stuff!
Over time, this cycle makes you mistake intensity for love. You don’t want to leave because your brain is convinced that if you just try harder, you’ll get back to the “good” version of them. Sadly, the reality is there for you to face.
Breaking Free: How to Stop Eating the “Poisonous Food“
- Recognise that the “good” isn’t actually good.
- If something sometimes makes you happy but always makes you sick, it’s not good for you.
- What if you walked into a new restaurant where the food was always nourishing? That’s what real love should feel like. Healthy is good!
- Detox your brain from the highs & lows.
- Just like quitting sugar or caffeine, your brain will crave the toxic person at first. It’s withdrawal, not love. Hello, OCD, frantic check-ins and the deep need to see them again. Don’t do it!
- The less you engage, the more your brain recalibrates. No contact is the key to healing and recovering.
- Rewire what you’re attracted to.
- Right now, “calm, steady love” might feel boring. That’s because your nervous system is used to chaos. Soothe your system until you crave and desire healthy relationships and don’t just jump into a new distracting relationship “for the plot”, this will only set you back further.
- Give yourself time to heal, and soon, kindness and consistency will feel exciting instead of foreign.
Journaling Prompts: Breaking the Trauma Bond
- What “poisonous meals” have I kept going back to?
- Write about a past (or current) relationship where the emotional highs and lows kept you hooked.
- What were the moments that made you feel amazing?
- What were the moments that made you feel sick, anxious, or worthless?
- How did I justify staying?
- Did I tell myself, “They’ll change” or “It’s not always bad”?
- What excuses did I make for their behaviour?
- What does real nourishment in love look like?
- If love was a healthy, nourishing meal, what ingredients would it have? (e.g. trust, kindness, respect)
- Have I ever experienced love that felt truly safe? If not, what do I imagine it would feel like?
- What is one small way I can start “eating at a new restaurant” today?
- A boundary I can set? A toxic habit I can let go of? A self-care practice I can commit to?
Feel you need to work through this? Then set up an appointment today and break the addictive habit and behaviour that keeps you in a toxic loop.
Want to read some cool information? Check this out (click) on neuroscience and love
